Jordi Bargar

My mental health has not always been obvious. When I was little (around 3 years old) I was always very anxious. Going to daycare was always a struggle as I would cling on to my parents like my life depended on it. They always saw it as me just not wanting to go but overtime they realized this was not misbehaving, it was genuine fear. During this time my sister was born. I didn’t have much interest in her (although now I don't know what I’d do without her) and I even told my parents “I prefer Dora over my sister”. Sometimes my parents will tell me they think its the reason for my anxiety, but I don’t think thats why.

Preschool is when my anxiety really began. It was so bad to the point my teachers thought I didn’t know anything and wanted to hold me back. But the truth was I was just so scared of talking to the teachers or just the other kids in general that I wouldn’t talk and because of that, they thought I was struggling with learning. During a teacher conference, I asked my mom, “Why do I have to tell her the alphabet if she already knows it?”. 

This went on until I was in 1st grade. I never answered the teacher when she called on me and I never talked to anyone in my class. My teacher at the time was the only one who took the time to talk to my parents and explain her concerns. She noticed that I didn’t talk, not because I didn’t want to, but because I physically couldn’t. This is around the time I started therapy. My parents talked to my therapist about what the teacher said and come to find out, I had something called Selective Mutism. Selective Mutism is when you physically can’t speak in certain social situations because your anxiety is so overwhelming. With this information, my parents, along with the teachers, understood my situation better. But, others didn’t seem to understand. Throughout my elementary school experience, along with half of middle school, I was always teased and made fun of for being so quiet. Whenever I did get the courage to talk, the kids in my class would tell me to “speak up” or they would tell the teacher “I can’t hear her”. This would immediately cause me to shut down. I learned that even when I did muster up the courage to speak, it would come with embarrassment and humiliation from the other students. It got worse as the years went on. I would never be picked as a partner for projects, and when the teachers made someone be partners with me, they would complain and say mean things about me to their friends. Moments like these made me realize I preferred to be alone. Being alone was easier than attempting to make friends because I thought I was unlikable and not “normal”.

I eventually transferred to a public school in 7th grade because the private school couldn’t accommodate me the way I needed. Things definitely weren’t perfect but I ended up overcoming a lot of my anxiety. I made friends and I could even present in class. Yes, I would still be made fun of but because I was so used to it, it didn’t bother me much anymore. I ended up finding my love for art and I found people who had the same interests as me. I still had my moments and was even diagnosed with depression around this time. My parents got divorced when I was in the middle of 7th grade. I was devastated but I’ve never been able to show emotions properly and I would bottle up everything inside. To me, it was easier to stay quiet than express how I feel. One of the ways I’d cope was to not eat. Id go days without eating and when I did eat I’d only have a few bites of dinner. It was something I could control and it made me feel good to be able to agree with the other girls in school when they’d tell me how much they weigh. I wanted to be skinny like everyone else after years of never fitting in or being like the “popular girls”. 

A few years went by without anyone noticing but when I reached freshman year, everything went downhill. I went through something called “psychosis”. My anxiety mixed with my depression and years of not expressing my emotions finally came down on me all at once. I don’t remember much of this point in my life but I do remember how terrifying it was to feel like I was not in control of my own body. I would hallucinate scary images, hear voices constantly and be in a constant state of paranoia. It was absolutely debilitating and I missed half my freshman year because I couldn’t stay at school for long. My dad was my hero during this time. He would pick me up whenever I needed him and we would get lunch and he would sit at home with me until I felt better. I don’t think I could have gotten through that without him. Eventually I started taking medication that helped me tremendously. I was able to stay at school the whole day and I felt like myself again. With a lot of therapy and medication, things eventually went back to normal. 

During my sophomore year I got my first job at Aggies Bakery. I was able to overcome a lot of fears because of this job. I could talk to people and I would even have full conversations with the regulars. I even found out I was really good at handling mad customers. I finally felt like myself again. I was able to overcome my anxiety for once in my life. I had an amazing group of friends, I performed in theatre and even sang in front of my classmates. 

My high school experience really changed me. Although I always say I hated it and I never want to go back, it really helped me in so many ways. I had so much support from my teachers and classmates. I was even able to graduate early. 

Therapy was also one of the things that helped me greatly. I had many great therapists and a great psychiatrist that help me figure out my needs and good ways to regulate my emotions.

Currently, I am at a very stable point in my life. I work at the Zoo, I’m getting my nail technician license in the summer, and I have amazing friends, a boyfriend and my parents and sister who love me for who I am. I don’t think I could have gone through this without my parents. They were my rock through it all and I can’t thank them enough. 

Moral of the story, things get better, life moves on and a bad point in your life isn’t the end of the world. I do have my moments as we all do but overtime I’ve been able to overcome my struggles and not let it get in the way of living my life.